Dominant Seventh

I have to say that I was initially a bit scared to post this, but I will now.  Some people may read this and think I’m crazy, but I don’t care.

Ponder for a moment what it would be like to fight with your brain every single day of your life.  You can’t do anything without nearly every thought you have causing some irrational fear, that you have to then “fix” by compulsively doing things that are time-consuming, and extremely frustrating, not to mention senseless.  You cannot do things you want to do, or if you can, not how you want to do them, because your brain is telling you that there will be some type of unwanted consequence(s) for doing that.

Suppose that your thoughts are constantly analyzed.  Over-analyzed.  If a thought that triggers the OCD comes up while you are doing something, you must re-do the action thinking of something else.  This can often take a while, since thought-suppression makes the thought harder to get rid of.  Tell yourself not to think of red balloons.  You’ll probably think of red balloons.

While doing all of that, try to go about your daily life.

This is my daily life.  From the moment I wake up, until I fall asleep, I live like this.  My life is basically consumed by OCD.  My mind is not what it used to be; I used to be able to think freely and do as I wished, but not now.  Now, almost my every action is considered, my thoughts interrupted or attempted to be pushed away.

OCD is based on anxiety and fear.  That is why most people with OCD can’t just stop doing the compulsive behaviors cold turkey.  The fear sets in immediately, and the only thing that relaxes you again is the compulsive behaviors.  I think of this like drug addiction.  Most drug addicts continue to use because the cravings are unbearable, and the only thing that fixes it is their drug of choice.  That is basically how it works with OCD.  The only thing that fixes the result is the cause.

I know that I can get out of this OCD, and I am going to do it.  I hope to one day look back at this writing and remember how it was to have OCD, at least pronounced OCD, and feel relieved that I can say I no longer feel trapped by my own brain.  I want to say that I am the free spirit that I want to be.  I want to exist as myself, not myself with OCD.